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The Epic of Comrade Monke

A mysterious man came through the gate. His name was Ajax. He saw some people approaching so he hid behind a crate until they went away. Before anybody had noticed he had managed to get inside the mansion. It was a weird building, built with gold and decorated with silver. Ajax reached the basement, where he saw the prisoners: A bunch of men who had the faces of octopuses. He freed them. They killed the guards together and in a few minutes had taken over the whole building. -”Why did you free us?” one of them asked. -”So we can take care of him…” -”Him?” -”Aye. Him. The monkey. Comrade Monke…” Comrade Monke was sleeping when he was woken up by a phone call. It was the “Chief.” Probably another mission. He got up, cleaned his male domestic canary’s cage, changed the water, and then got dressed. He picked up his Makarov pistol, entered his car and drove all the way to the office. He arrived, exited the car and walked up the stairs to enter the Kremlin, where the office was located. He t...
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Auric Goldmonke

He was sitting in his office next to the wall where his domestic canary’s cage was hanging on. He was drinking vodka and singing an old pirate song: “15 men on a dead man’s chest! Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum! Drink and the devil had done for the rest! Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum!” He sang it all day and then fell asleep. He was eventually woken up by a phone call. It was miss Anastasia, secretary of the “chief.” She told him to be in the office in 40 minutes. He quickly changed the water of his canary and got dressed, then drove all the way to the office. He entered and ordered a drink: Vodka. He loved vodka! His name was Comrade Monke and he was the result of an experiment by Ilya Ivanov to create a monkey superwarrior and superspy. He loved smoking, gambling, drinking and lived a larger-than-life lifestyle. Despite his lifestyle and communist ideology, he was also a devout Christian. Codenamed 0P, Monke was the communist bloc’s most feared weapon. In addition to his agelessness, s...
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1 year of Comrade Monke

Wow, can’t believe it’s been one year! One year of Comrade Monke stories and a few (utter garbage) video games I made. But still, it’s been a year. This niche little character I introduced a year ago in From the motherland, with love! Has definitely had his ups and downs. We’ll start with the downs, and then end on a high note: The games: I didn’t like them very much. They are awful, monstrous little creations. I had to delist the first two because they were so embarrassingly bad I am convinced they were dangerous. But let’s analyze the ones that are still available: The Monke with the Golden Gun: An FPS episodic adventure where Monke goes on various missions. Honestly, probably the best one. It has many many flaws but it’s still somewhat fun to play through. I stole a texture from Doom in this one. Comrade Monke 3D: The worst one. An awful game with some terrible AI art. I hate it with a deep passion and I wish I had never made it. I stole a wolfenstein 3D sprite. Comrade Monke vs Gen...
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Don Evil

He lit yet another cigar. The 6th that day. He was smoking cigar after cigar. He couldn’t stop for some reason. He was remembering his past missions. He had travelled between timelines, between eras using his alien time travel device discovered and given to him by the USSR, and taken on various roles. He had killed Tony Camonte, Francisco Scaramonke, led the Monkey Corps, led SMERSH, led SQUID, and had hunted down the pirate Jack Dragonfruit, as well as MI6 agent Agent Croco. He had devised various fake backstories to hide his true identity, and only he and a few others knew the truth: That he had been created by Ilya Ivanov as part of a program to create a monkey superwarrior. This gave him various abilities, including being ageless and having super strength. His name was Comrade Monke, and he had seen and done everything. He was also a devout Christian. As he was remembering his past missions, the phone rang. Monke, with the cigar still in his mouth and with a bottle of vodka in his...
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The Primate with the Golden Gun

He had arrived on the island the day before, on a plane that ended up crashing in the ocean. He took out his pistol and started searching for his enemy. The trees were tall and were hiding his view. He didn’t know where he was going, not only because of the trees but because the plane crash caused him to hit his head hard against a piece of metal, causing him to forget everything, including his mission. He eventually arrived at a cave. He entered it and he fell unconscious. It was there he started remembering what his mission was. A week ago, he had been tasked by the Soviets with tracking him down and assassinating him. His target had previously assassinated a bunch of other soviet secret agents and it was up to Monke to stop him. He woke up, and he was surrounded by dummies. Dummies used for target practice. Then, a voice was heard: -”Comrade Monke!” -”Who are you?” -”You know who i am…” Then a door opened and Monke rushed to it. He came out of the weird room and saw a table with pl...
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From Russia with Love!

He entered the room, only to find his two friends dead. They had been shot in the face. Then he saw him, emerging from the shadows. Short, but terrifying. A primate. He picked up a bat and tried to hit him but the primate dodged. The creature disarmed him, and shot him in the legs. -”No! Please… don’t kill me…” -”As long as you answer my questions, I won't.” -”What… do you want to know?” -”Where is he?” -”Who?” The creature got angry, so he kicked him in the face. -”I won’t be so polite next time!” -”USA… he’s in the United States.” -”Good! Where exactly?” -”Hawaii… bar “Pigasus.” Look, that's all I know. Now, please… don’t hurt me…” -”Good. Congrats! Your right to life has been renewed!” He said this and then he took out a pack of cigars, lighting one and smoking it. Once he had finished it, he threw it on the man and then called an ambulance for him, before leaving, silently, without anyone, not even the man himself, noticing. His name was Comrade Monke. Codename 0P. He was ...
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Agent Croco Returns

London, post-war period, Cold War. The night had been difficult for Agent Croco. The smoking and drinking were killing him, yet he, for some reason, couldn’t stop them. He put out the last cigarette of the package, and, feeling like he would pass out, picked up the phone and tried to call for help, but fell down before he could. Later, the door opened and he was found by the secretary of the Chief of MI6. He was taken unconscious to the office, where he woke up. The Chief was angry: -”CROCO! How many times have I told you to quit drinking and smoking?” -”Can you not shout sir? MY HEAD HURTS!” -”You dare raise your voice while you’re in this mess?” -”Ok let’s calm down for a minute… what mess?” -“You don’t know?” -”Oh you’re talking about my slight accident?” -”This isn’t an accident! It’s entirely your fault Croco!” -”If we assume it’s my fault… What do you propose we do?” -”Immediate rehabilitation! You will be locked inside a rehab clinic and will not come out of there until you’re ...
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