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Our Voyage

I have recently been asked to write about my experiences at that accursed island. And so, though writing this memoir, I travel back to a simpler time, when I was running “The Tavern” back in the United States of America along with my dear Olive. What beautiful memories that nobody and nothing, not even what followed, could take them away. I still remember how we built it: My father and mother, approximately two years before they died, had finally gathered enough funds to open their own business. But they hadn’t decided yet what it should be. Initially we thought of opening a small Inn, but we decided on a tavern instead. It was me that suggested the name, and thus we simply called it “The Tavern.” The reasoning behind that simplistic title was personal to me: When I was a kid, my parents often took me to a business with that same name. I knew its owner, who loved me like I was a child of his own. But maybe I went off-track here. Back to the main events: It was a stormy night and we ba...
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The Dead Man's Skull: Endgame

Suddenly, he woke up from his sleep. The skull had been taken, and he needed to take it back. He got up and awoke the other evil spirits of his crew as well. Blackbeard was ready for his revenge. Comrade Monke was sleeping. He suddenly was woken up by a phone call. It was the “Chief”. He had been notified of an explosion in Stalingrad. Monke was told to go investigate the explosion. He got up, fed his pet domestic canary, prayed a rosary, got dressed and quickly got in his car. He drove all the way to Stalingrad. When he arrived, there was chaos all over the area. He got out of his car. And walked to a burning building. When observing it, he suddenly saw a flash inside the building, and a skeleton walking through the flames. Monke freaked out. He quickly got back in his car and drove away. He arrived at the Kremlin, where the office of the Soviet Secret Service was. He entered the office, was welcomed by Miss Anastasia and burst into the “Chief’s” office. He quickly explained to him w...
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The Dead Man's Skull: Blackbeard

“I am going to die!” he shouted, and before he could complete his sentence, he had fallen to the floor, dead. The others were terrified and were hiding. When he came through the door, one of them passed out, falling to the floor and alerting him of their presence. He lit his long, black beard on fire. He walked slowly to a barrel one of the sailors were hiding in, and he stabbed it to the point blood was coming out of all its sides. -”NO. Please! Don’t kill me.” One of the others shouted. He walked to the spot he was hiding in and he grabbed him by the neck. -”Then tell me where it is…” -”Where is what?” -”THE SKULL! WHERE IS IT?” -”It’s in Port Royal… Inside the Governor’s mansion.” -”LELOS! GET THE OTHERS, WE ARE LEAVING FOR PORT ROYAL.” -”Now keep your end of the bargain.” -”What bargain?” -”Let us go!” -”I made no such bargain, boy!” He then choked the sailor to death. Lelos the canary, a trusted crewmember of Blackbeard, was in front of this. He freaked out, but he had to be obed...
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The Dead Man's Skull: Lelos and Long John

The night spread throughout Port Royal. The tavern was full of scumbags, thieves, murderers and pirates. They were all singing loudly: “15 men on a dead man’s chest! Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum! Drink and the devil had done for the rest! Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum!” Amongst them were some of the most famous buccaneers of the seven seas: Anne Bonney, John Rackham, Black Sam Bellamy and others. But the most notorious of them all was John Silver, better known as “Long” John Silver. A few months ago, he had just escaped from the hands of the Royal Navy and Captain Smollett, along with his female parrot “Captain Flint.” Silver stepped up, walking with his crutch towards one of the other pirates. He said hi, then punched him. -”What the hell, Silver!” -”I know you know where my wife is, and i am going to torture you until you tell me!” -”I don’t know Long John, I promise!” -”Yeah right… Jack, Pepe, pick him up and tie him to that bed upstairs!” After they had obeyed his command and done ...
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The Dead Man's Skull: Comrade Monke

He lit a cigar and stood in front of the large desk, as if he had all the time in the world. He analyzed it and figured out everything. One wrong move and the world would be blown to bits. He walked up to it, took out his Makarov pistol, and shot the green button. This triggered the alarm and the self-destruction countdown, but the nuke control system had been destroyed and deactivated. Guards entered from left and right. He hid behind the desk and a gun battle followed. He shot a couple of them down, but he ran out of bullets. He hid his gun and saw a window, he ran towards it and jumped out of it, breaking it. He landed deep in the water, but he swam to the surface. The place was falling apart! He swam back down and kept swimming until he saw a sloop yacht. He climbed onto it and the woman on it freaked out. -”You’re… a monkey. A God-damn monkey!” she shouted. -”Delighted to meet you too… The name’s Monke… Comrade Monke.” -”Oh my God… I think I am gonna pass out.” -”Don’t! Not yet, ...
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The mole

It was a dark, snowy night in the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics. In the dacha, Comrade Monke was praying the rosary. After he finished his prayer to the Blessed Virgin Mary, he kissed his domestic canary, whose name was Lelos, goodnight and went to sleep. He was woken up by a phone call the next morning. It was the “chief:” -”Comrade Monke, get your ass off your bed and come here immediately!” -”Ok ok!” Monke cleaned his domestic canary’s cage, changed its water and put some food for it, and left. He walked all the way to his car and drove to the Kremlin, where the office of the “chief” was located. He entered the building and greeted Miss Anastasia. He entered the office and the “chief” greeted him. -”Welcome, Comrade!” -”What’s the emergency?” -”Listen Monke. Yesterday, we located and caught a traitor, a mole, who was trying to escape.” -”And? Just follow the standard procedure to get him to confess. What do you need me for?” -”He asked to be interrogated specifically by you.”...
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A letter to my friend, Vladimir about General Secretary Comrade Monke

Dear Vladimir, you asked me to write a short letter to you, summarizing what I think about my former boss, Comrade Monke, and whether I agree with the western powers that characterize him as a “dictator.” I hope what I wrote will satisfy you: Chernenko is dead! Now, the procedure had been made clear to all citizens of the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics: The Politburo, which had members from all around the Soviet Union, would gather, and a new General Secretary would be elected. And that’s what happened. In 1985, after Konstantin Chernenko died, having only led the party and thus the USSR for 13 months, the politburo gathered. The answer was clear, right? Mikhail Gorbachev was the favorite. However, to the surprise of everyone, the 58 year old former Soviet Secret agent, SMERSH operative, superspy, devout Christian and anthropomorphic monkey Comrade Monke was elected to the position of the General Secretary of the Communist Party of the Soviet Union. Now, he had but one task: Not ...
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