Auric Goldmonke

He was sitting in his office next to the wall where his domestic canary’s cage was hanging on. He was drinking vodka and singing an old pirate song:


“15 men on a dead man’s chest! Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum! Drink and the devil had done for the rest! Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum!”


He sang it all day and then fell asleep. He was eventually woken up by a phone call. It was miss Anastasia, secretary of the “chief.” She told him to be in the office in 40 minutes. He quickly changed the water of his canary and got dressed, then drove all the way to the office.


He entered and ordered a drink: Vodka. He loved vodka!


His name was Comrade Monke and he was the result of an experiment by Ilya Ivanov to create a monkey superwarrior and superspy. He loved smoking, gambling, drinking and lived a larger-than-life lifestyle. Despite his lifestyle and communist ideology, he was also a devout Christian.


Codenamed 0P, Monke was the communist bloc’s most feared weapon. In addition to his agelessness, super strength and intelligence, he had also been given an alien device discovered by the USSR: A time-travel device worn like a watch around his wrist. With this he went on time-traveling missions. He had also been awarded a “Hero of the Soviet Union” honor.


Monke enjoyed his drink while he waited for the “Chief.”


Once he arrived, he started shouting at Monke for his relaxed attitude and ordered he put down the drink immediately. Monke was annoyed, but obeyed his superior. The ”Chief” explained the situation to Monke:


-”Comrade Monke, listen. Time’s running out. An agent of ours was killed last night in London by hooligans. We need you to find who ordered the killing and introduce a gun to his face!”


-”On it, Boss!”


Monke immediately travelled to London and stayed at a hotel.


Once he woke up, he felt as if something… was off.


Suddenly a window behind him broke and Monke was knocked unconscious!


When he woke up, he saw him: Another primate! The primate started speaking to him with a loud, annoying voice:


-”Comrade Monke… Allow me to introduce myself. I am Auric. Auric Goldmonke. West Germany’s and NATO’s most feared agent!”


-”Do you expect me to talk?”


-”No mister Monke. I expect you to die!”


Suddenly a large laser came out of the ceiling, and slowly started moving towards Monke in order to cut him in half.


Monke however, used his super strength and broke out of the chains that he was tied with.


He quickly grabbed his Makarov pistol and gunned down two of Auric’s henchmen. He then quickly caught up to Auric himself:


-”Tell me, were you the one who ordered the killing of the soviet agent?”


-”You expect me to talk?”


-”No Auric. But I expect you to die!”


Monke said this and shot him. He gunned down several more henchmen before he stole a car and drove out of the base.


Monke returned to the USSR, where he was awarded a medal.


The end of “Goldmonke,” but Comrade Monke will return!