Don Evil

He lit yet another cigar. The 6th that day. He was smoking cigar after cigar. He couldn’t stop for some reason. He was remembering his past missions. He had travelled between timelines, between eras using his alien time travel device discovered and given to him by the USSR, and taken on various roles. He had killed Tony Camonte, Francisco Scaramonke, led the Monkey Corps, led SMERSH, led SQUID, and had hunted down the pirate Jack Dragonfruit, as well as MI6 agent Agent Croco.


He had devised various fake backstories to hide his true identity, and only he and a few others knew the truth: That he had been created by Ilya Ivanov as part of a program to create a monkey superwarrior. This gave him various abilities, including being ageless and having super strength.


His name was Comrade Monke, and he had seen and done everything. He was also a devout Christian.


As he was remembering his past missions, the phone rang. Monke, with the cigar still in his mouth and with a bottle of vodka in his hand, picked up the phone. It was the Chief of the Soviet Secret Service:


-”Monke! Stop smoking and listen! We need you in the office right away!”


-”Ok ok! I’ll be right there!”


Monke cleaned his domestic Canary, changed his water and bird seeds, said goodbye to it, and left for the office. Monke loved animals. In some of the timelines he had travelled to, he brought a cat he found on the street with him. But his real love was domestic Canaries.


Once Monke arrived in the office, he saw people crying outside.


He entered the office and found the chief:


-”Hey chief. Why are people crying outside?”


-”They must have lost some of their loved ones due to the terrorist attack.”


-”Terrorist attack?”


-”Yes. Didn’t you hear about it? There was a terrorist attack here in the Kremlin, killing about 17 people. Which is why I called you here. We need you to uncover who did this.”


Monke, ofcourse, accepted the mission and exited the office, which was located in the Kremlin.


He asked a local officer whether he had seen something:


-”I actually did. A guy dressed in a black uniform entered the basement and planted a bomb but it went off before he could get out of there. We have him in a station. Want me to lead you there?”


-”Sure!”


They went to the station where they found the guy tied to a chair. Monke walked up to him and interrogated him:


-”So, tell me. Who do you work for?”


-”I don’t know.”


Monke punched him.


-”I won’t be this polite next time!”


-”Ok ok! Look I haven't seen his face but it was a guy by the name of Savalas, Ernst Savalas who hired me.”


Monke was shocked. He knew very well who Ernst Savalas was and where he was hiding. During WW2, Monke fought Savalas, a helper of Nazi Germany, in a base in Antarctica.


Monke immediately gathered a small portion of the Soviet Army and they travelled to Antarctica.


Once they arrived, they tried to storm the base, but were all gunned down. All except Comrade Monke, who was captured and tortured.


One day, when he was in his cell, Monke saw the door open in front of him and some guards accompanied him to see Savalas:


-”Comrade Monke! How nice to finally meet you again!”


-”Before you say anything Ernst, can I have some vodka?”


-”Yes, give him his bottle.”


Monke picked up the bottle of vodka he always carried with him and threw it on the floor, causing it to catch on fire!


-”Not real vodka, you see…”


Monke fought the guards, knocking them unconscious, and quickly made his way to the room where his stuff was. He put his clothes on and picked up his Makarov pistol.

He gunned down several of Savalas’ henchmen before he found Ernst himself.


-”This is the end, huh, Ernst?”


-”DO IT YOU COWARD!”


Monke obeyed the wish of Ernst, and shot him.


Monke quickly pressed the self-destruction button and then stole a jet, flying away while the base blew up.


Monke returned to the USSR, where he was awarded a medal for killing Ernst Savalas, AKA “Don Evil”.


The end of “Don Evil,” but Comrade Monke will return!