A letter to my friend, Vladimir about General Secretary Comrade Monke

Dear Vladimir, you asked me to write a short letter to you, summarizing what I think about my former boss, Comrade Monke, and whether I agree with the western powers that characterize him as a “dictator.”


I hope what I wrote will satisfy you:


Chernenko is dead! Now, the procedure had been made clear to all citizens of the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics: The Politburo, which had members from all around the Soviet Union, would gather, and a new General Secretary would be elected.


And that’s what happened. In 1985, after Konstantin Chernenko died, having only led the party and thus the USSR for 13 months, the politburo gathered. The answer was clear, right? Mikhail Gorbachev was the favorite.


However, to the surprise of everyone, the 58 year old former Soviet Secret agent, SMERSH operative, superspy, devout Christian and anthropomorphic monkey Comrade Monke was elected to the position of the General Secretary of the Communist Party of the Soviet Union. Now, he had but one task: Not to eliminate enemies of the people, not to travel around the world to protect the USSR, but save it from the incoming crisis.


What can I recall from being his bodyguard? Well I remember one instance where we were visiting Albania, and we met Enver Hoxha a few days before he died. Comrade Monke got off the plane and was greeted by a loyal group of Albanian supporters. Monke toured Albanian farms along with Enver, and he saw a farmer carrying a gun!


-”A gun?” Said Monke.


-”Aye! A gun!” Said Hoxha


-”In our country we don’t allow guns! What if the people turn on you one day?” Asked Monke


-”The people should turn on us if we aren’t doing our job well!” continued Enver.


Monke was a weird but also fabulous creature: A devout Christian and at the same time a committed communist, capable of showing mercy and forgiveness yet at the same time cruel towards what he considered “enemies of God and the people!”


He also enjoyed reading gambling, smoking cigars, drinking vodka and red wine, and he often played poker and other card games with his friends and fellow party members.


But how was he as a leader?


Boy that’s a difficult question to ask…


He was smart, strategic, but yet he was often misjudged as arrogant by others because he didn’t mind taking risks…


For example, during the first few days of his leadership, he started breaking trade agreements and imposing sanctions on other countries, including the United States. And yet, even though he risked turning the Cold War into a “hot” war, this made the other superpowers and western countries afraid of him.


He strongly supported the allies of the USSR, including loyal powers in countries that split with us, other Soviet-aligned socialist leaders, and again, this was a huge risk, but he somehow got it to work.


What else can I remember about him? Well, he was a strong admirer of two figures: Joseph Stalin, and Camilo Torres Restrepo from Latin America and specifically, Colombia.


Overall, I can assess Comrade Monke as a flawed, yet somehow charismatic and effective leader.


What are these flaws you might ask?


Well, he was temperamentally cruel. His behavior sometimes was borderline sociopathic.


He was strongly paranoid, even believing in conspiracy theories occasionally.


He also refused to compromise. I remember when I told him about a potential compromise with the United States: He turned around, slapped me, and shouted “That’s like saying we should compromise with the devil!”


That’s pretty much all that I can remember. I am sorry if this doesn’t satisfy you, but I am currently in the hospital and can’t write for much longer because my arm hurts.


With love, your friend Konstantinos.