The Nuclear Ipod

He entered through the roof, trying to be as stealthy as possible. He knocked out a few guards, while killing some others. He had to find it. He knew it was there, he knew it was gonna be difficult finding it, but he had to at least try.


After killing a few more guards, he saw a room with a large door. He tried to open it but it was locked. He then felt a presence behind him. He turned around and saw him: A short, but fat primate. He just couldn't believe what he was seeing. The shock was so strong he passed out.


When he woke up, his legs and arms were tied up and he was all alone in a dark room. That is, until a large gate opened, and he saw the same primate enter. This time, while still shocked, he did not pass out. The primate approached him. The primate wore a Mao tunic, a soviet Ushanka hat, as well as a golden Constantinato coin, as a necklace.


He walked right up to him.


-Hello, friend!


He was speechless, for the primate could also talk! This must have been a joke right? Surely it was probably some short fella with a strange monkey costume playing tricks on him! So he decided to play along!


-Hoo Hoo Hah Hah! He shouted.


He then saw the primate’s face take an angry expression. Since his face could move, there was probably no way this was just a guy in a suit!


-DO YOU THINK I AM STUPID? Screamed the primate.


Now he was really scared and started crying.


The primate now became more calm.


-Look, I am sorry for shouting at you friend. Want a glass of vodka?


He stopped crying.


-Anything else you’ve got?


The primate laughed, and the bodyguards accompanying him also laughed.


-Sorry, that’s all we got.


-How come?


-Its the only thing I allow in here. Official SMERSH policy. It’s a way for us to remember the glorious motherland!


Vodka… Ushanka hats… SMERSH… Motherland? This could only mean one thing…


That wasn’t an ordinary primate, but the legendary Comrade Monke!


-Comrade Monke? But… I thought…


-You thought I was just a legend. A myth invented by the West to strike fear to their citizens about the dangers of communism.


-Exactly.


-Well it ain’t like that! As you can see, I am standing here, flesh and bones!


-So, is this your hiding place?


-I guess you could call it that. After our glorious motherland was dissolved due to the traitor Gorbachev, we had to regroup, and keep our organization intact, if we are to ever restore mother Russia to glory!


-And why did you steal my ipod?


Monke then appeared shocked. He took a good look at him, and then made a realization… The man he had tied up was the Westside Warrior!


-Are you him? The Westside Warrior?


-How do you know that?


-Well, given that you’re the only person on planet earth to turn into a vigilante over an ipod… it wasn’t particularly hard to figure out once you told me about your device!


-Why did you steal it?


-That ipod… it has nuclear codes in it.


The Westside Warrior started laughing like a maniac.


-Come on, seriously…


He took a look at Monke’s bodyguards, then at Monke himself. He wasn’t laughing, or even smiling. He was just looking at him.

-Oh gosh… You’re serious?!


-See, your ipod is… special. It was manufactured by this company, founded and owned by this American idiot, Tray D Mark! I met him once at a party, kind of an asshole to be honest!


-I am sorry, can we get to the part where, you know, THERE’S NUCLEAR CODES ON MY IPOD?!


-Oh yeah, excuse me comrade! Well, my intel tells me he ordered one ipod to be made with american nuclear codes hidden deep inside the code of the device.


-And why the hell would he do that?


-You see he was selling those codes to someone, but he didn’t wanna get caught. So he planned on pulling some strings to get that one ipod to his buyer. But…


-You knew and got those codes for yourself, didn’t you?


-Exactly comrade! Now I am going to pretend to be the one selling the codes, so that I will find Tray D Mark’s buyer, and find out who they are, so I can defeat them and, after the little “Incident” I have arranged for mister Mark goes through, I will be the one to keep them!


-That’s genius! But, what exactly will you be doing with the codes?


-Well, restore the USSR, of course! And if you help me, I can even arrange for your citizenship and high rank in the new CPSU!


When the Westside Warrior heard this, he became excited, and agreed to help Monke.


-Tell me what I must do!


-For starters, you’re gonna accompany me to the meeting with Tray D Mark’s buyer. I could use someone with your physical state and skills.


The Warrior agreed.


Comrade Monke untied him. They made their way to Monke’s computer lab. After a secure connection was established to the "Secret Area" of the internet, Monke found a post by someone known as the “Con123456,” asking for the nuclear codes Monke had.


Monke and the mysterious figure arranged a meeting, which would be held in a week.


After the week had passed, Monke and the Warrior traveled to a small village in Greece, where the meeting would be held.

When Monke’s private plane landed at the airport, Monke, having disguised himself through his shapeshifting abilities to a regular human billionaire known as “D.J. Camilo,” and the Warrior took a limousine to the village.


After a trip that lasted about 4 hours, Monke and the Warrior had finally arrived. Monke tipped off the limo driver, and they made their way inside an abandoned building. When they entered, they turned on their flashlights, and saw no one.


-They are not here, let’s go!


Monke turned around and tried to open the door but it wouldn’t open.


-LOOK! Shouted the Warrior, scaring Monke.


Monke turned around once again and saw a beam of light which almost blinded them!


The beam then vanished and they saw it: A large, metal being. It was black and red.


While the Warrior was scared, he did not recognize him. Monke however, was so shocked he almost cried.


-Conqueror!


-Yes, it is me, the Conqueror! And you, Comrade Monke, have stolen something that belongs to me!


-Look, I think we’re gonna go…


-You CANNOT keep running Monke. Besides which, we had a deal, and you need to keep your end of it.


The Warrior turned his head towards Monke quickly.


-What deal did you have with the not-so-polite mechanical beast here?


-Monke, you have a debt to pay!


-Technically, it was Ilya Ivanov, my creator, who has a debt. Given that he rotted to death in a gulag during the 1930s, I’d say he can not pay his debt any longer!


-Then you’re his inheritor, as you are, in a way, his son!


-I am no one’s son! I only belong to Christ!


-Then it sounds like you’re a poor communist! Have you not introduced yourself, all these years, as COMRADE Monke? The Conqueror said, laughing.


-Read Hewlett Johnson! But now’s not the time for ideological debate! What exactly do you want to do with the codes?


-Put this universe, which has resisted me for so long, under my care, protection, and ownership!


-I understand everything… Except your stupid voice! Monke said, and he acted quickly:


He passed the ipod with the codes to the Warrior, and told him to run outside. The Warrior broke the door and started running. He then saw the abandoned building’s roof blow up, and the Conqueror flying while holding Monke, who was unconscious.


The Warrior wasted no time: He travelled back to the airport, stole Monke’s private plane, and flew back to Monke’s secret Base.


He informed the other SMERSH members of Monke and him being taken hostage. When the other SMERSH members heard this, they started panicking, one after the other. They had not anticipated being left without a proper leader.


However, things became even worse, when the Westside Warrior informed Monke’s soldiers who had taken him hostage.


-THE CONQUEROR? One of them, named Mario, said.


-Yes.


-Well, it was nice while it lasted. Time for us to find new jobs. I heard this bald guy with the cat is recruiting!


-You guys are just gonna give up that fast? Not even make an attempt to save your Don?


-I am sorry, but we have families to feed. And the SMERSH Code of Canon Law does not allow any SMERSH member to abandon their families, even if it's for a serious cause.


-The Code? Hang the Code!


-I am sorry, the answer’s no!


After Mario said this, he accompanied the rest of SMERSH that was present there, and left.


The Warrior became angry, and shouted:


-NO MATTER WHAT YOU GUYS DO, WHETHER YOU HELP OR NOT, I WILL GO FIND HIM!


And over the course of the next month, the Warrior made a plan on how to rescue Monke. First, he would steal a spaceship from NASA with the help of Colonel Ace Brogan, who would receive a generous “donation” from the Warrior, of course.


Then, when they had reached the Conqueror’s planet -which wasn’t hard to track down, they just had to look for the planet with the giant “C” carved on its landscape- they would land on it by using a fake ID also supplied from Brogan. Once there, they would fight their way through until they found Monke and freed him.


In January 2003 -Monke’s kidnapping had taken place around December 2002- they stole a spaceship, and made their way to space.


Once they found the Conqueror’s planet, they activated the fake ID so the spaceship would appear as a spaceship carrying humans who had been forced upon the planet as prisoners. However, when they landed, they were quickly discovered.


While they were traveling, the spaceship activated an alarm.


-What’s happening? Asked the Warrior.


-They have sent a flying bomb to blow up our spaceship! Said Brogan.


And just after he finished his sentence, the bomb hit the spaceship, causing it to crash on the planet. Brogan and the Warrior passed out.


When they woke up, they were tied to metal pieces next to each other. They then saw the Conqueror himself walking right up to them.


-You idiots! Did you really think you could just fool me that easily?


-Where’s Monke? Answered the Warrior.


The Conqueror pointed to a large transparent cube at the corner of the room. It was filled with green liquid and Monke was inside, seemingly alive but completely unable to move.


Then, an earthquake completely shook the entire base. However, it was unknown to them what caused this.


Then, another person entered the room. One of Conqueror’s “CONQ-1800” bots.


-Sir, an explosion has taken place. We are under attack.


-WHAT? Asked the Conqueror.


A bullet then hit the bot, destroying it and causing it to explode. The Conqueror turned around, and a bunch of men in astronaut outfits and with laser guns had overran the base!


-Who are you? Asked the Conqueror.


-We are here to save Don Comrade Monke.


-Wait, but you said… What about the Code? Asked the Warrior.


-We figured it was more like guidelines! Said Mario.


The Conqueror jumped and landed on them, crashing about 4 of them, and injuring Mario. More SMERSH operatives then entered and started shooting the Conqueror. One of them slipped past the Conqueror and he cut the ropes that were tying the Warrior and Brogan to the metal pieces.


They were now free. The three of them quickly moved and broke the cube while the Conqueror was busy fighting the SMERSH operatives. When the cube broke, Monke opened his eyes.


-Where am I? Asked Monke.


-We are here to save you after the Conqueror took you. Here’s a gun. Said the SMERSH operative.


Monke got up and grabbed the gun. However, when the four of them turned around, they saw the Conqueror approaching with blood on him.


-Now that I dealt with your friends, I shall deal with you!


The Conqueror grabbed the Warrior and took the ipod that was hidden in his outfit! The other three tried to stop him but the Conqueror slammed them to the wall, knocking them unconscious.


-Now, with the codes, I shall destroy the public domain!


Monke managed to wake up after two minutes, and heard this.


-But you said your goal was to rule the earth!


-Yes. But it has been the public domain that has been the obstacle to this!


Monke then quickly ran and hid in another room. This was the communications room. Coincidentally, Monke had a special SMERSH communication device on him that was still working.


He quickly connected it to the communications room. He then notified all his allies from different eras. These included Lelos the Canary, Beadbeard, Abraham Van Helsing, Long John Silver, Popeye, Brick Bat, Allan Quartermain, the Six-Gun Gorilla, and Conan the Barbarian, amongst others. Through their SMERSH teleportation devices, they teleported there in less than 10 seconds.


They all made their way to the room the Conqueror was in.


-HEY, CONQUEROR! Turn around and face us!


The Conqueror turned around, and saw them all together, alongside the Warrior and Brogan. The Conqueror then snapped his fingers and Tray D Mark teleported next to him. Others that teleported next to him included an army of his robots, as well as Tony Camonte, the evil archenemy of Comrade Monke and gangster.


-Today, we are the Public Domain Defenders! Shouted Monke.


Monke then grabbed his gun.


-CHARGE! FINISH HIM! Shouted Monke.


They all charged, and the battle began.


Monke started shooting at Camonte while the rest of the defenders were dealing with the Conqueror’s army and Tray D Mark.


-Comrade Monke, I am going to enjoy ripping you apart! Said Camonte.


Monke then jumped behind him and shot him in the neck, killing him instantly.


-Me too! Said Monke.


Monke then rushed to the computer to stop the nuclear weapon from activating. However, when he attempted it, the computer showed a message saying:


“ERROR: KEY REQUIRED TO PERFORM ACTION!”


-Looking for this? Said the Conqueror.


And when Monke turned around, he saw the Conqueror holding the key, and around him, everyone else was knocked unconscious.


-COME AND GET IT! Shouted the Conqueror.


Monke then spotted a strange device on the computer panel quickly, that was worn like a glove.


Without wasting time, he quickly grabbed it and wore it. He then grew to about the same size as the Conqueror.


The Conqueror was shocked.


-WHO THE HELL LEFT THAT THERE? Shouted the Conqueror.


Monke then charged and punched a hole right through the Conqueror’s chest, killing him instantly.


He grabbed the key, took off the device to shrink back to his normal size, and used the key to deactivate the weapon, thus preventing a nuclear attack on earth that would destroy the public domain.


Everyone else got up eventually, and when they saw the Conqueror dead, they were happy and started celebrating.


They returned to earth and held a large party.


Monke and everybody else eventually parted ways, but promised to stay in touch. Monke, unfortunately, could not reuse the codes, and thus the dream of restoring the USSR never materialized. However, Monke himself remained hopeful.


Monke returned to leading SMERSH, and the Warrior and Brogan even joined as spies.


The end of the Conqueror, but Comrade Monke will return!


ACE BROGAN AND WESTSIDE WARRIOR CHARACTERS BY: Simonkirby


TRAY D MARK CHARACTER BY: Saintrider