PD Fun Fiction

NAME: Comrade Monke EYE COLOR: Orange SPECIES: Primate TYPE: Unknown (possibly black crested macaque) WANTED FOR: Armed robbery, protection racketeering, espionage, terrorism, murder, weapon smuggling, gold smuggling, leading a criminal organization, identity fraud, impersonation DESCRIPTION: Not much is known about the very early life of the mysterious yet prominent Rasputin-like Christian mystic figure and Marxist-Leninist archterrorist Comrade Monke. He was probably born during the Russian revolution, making him about 108 or 109 years old. According to various witnesses and testimonies, he committed his first crime at about 16 years old. It was espionage. He had apparently given Western military secrets to the Soviet Union, after buying them from the Mafia. He also worked for the Mafia, did jail time and possibly even became a Made Man. After that, he travelled around the world. However, it was during his time in the Vatican that he converted to Catholicism. After traveling to Lati...

Writer's note: Originally, while writing this, there was no intent to frame the short story as a fictional historian's essay. But as I kept writing, I increasingly realized this wouldn't work otherwise. Then the idea of making it a fictional essay from a fictional historian came up in my mind, and I just had to do it. So anyways, enjoy! This is the short essay of a historian who wishes to remain anonymous, regarding Comrade Monke’s rise to power: In about 1946, lived the Russian Comrade Monke, destined to become the world’s most powerful and most intelligent primate. He was always dressed in a red coat with white pants. He also wore an Ushanka with the Soviet hammer and sickle on it. He had a large scar on his face, which resulted in the nickname "SCARMONKEY." Also, he owned a pet budgerigar, named Pepi or Pepita. Born on September 19 of an unknown year, and after fighting for the bolsheviks during the Russian Civil War and for the Soviets during World War 2, or t...

Once upon a time, there was a country which spanned Europe and Asia. Its name was the Soviet Union. And in it lived a great protector of it, someone who instilled happiness and a sense of safety in the hearts of its citizens and fear and dread in the enemies of it. A primate. His name was Comrade Monke. Now, the Soviet Union had a leader, the general secretary. He owned an aviary inside his residence, the Kremlin, and he took great care of it. It was full of many different birds, but one stood out: The golden canary. It was the most fascinating bird anyone could see in their lifetimes. No one knew its origin exactly, but many legends had been told about it, including a popular one that it had sailed with pirates and was over 1800 years old, that it was once a human cursed by a witch, and many more. One night, unknown to the general secretary, the canary was stolen. When the leader found out about it, he became depressed, and sadness filled his heart. So he wasted no time, and quickly s...

She walked inside the restaurant and made her way over to the kitchen. She placed her hand on the white wall, pushed against it, and a piece was pushed inside like a button. The wall split in half and opened, revealing a large staircase downwards. She entered and the wall behind her closed. She walked downstairs and made a turn left. She moved in a straight line and then turned right until she reached a large dark room. She saw a mysterious figure sitting there. She sat down. -What may I do for you, lady? Said the figure. -Patriarch, I need your help. The “patriarch” turned on the light on his desk. What this light revealed shocked her and made her feel disturbed and scared: A primate sitting there. He was dressed in a red suit and was smoking. On his desk, a stand for parrots with a budgie parrot on it. A beautiful white-and-blue female named Pepi or Pepita. The desk also had other things on it: A Bible, a crucifix, statues of the Virgin Mary and Jesus, as well as a picture of Camilo ...

He woke up at around 7:00 AM. Not even his budgie parrot, a beautiful white and blue female named Pepi or Pepita, had woken up yet. Comrade Monke got out of bed and went to the bathroom. After that, he went back to his room, prayed a “Hail Mary,” and got dressed. He went outside. The grocery store was just a couple of blocks away. After 15 minutes of walking, he finally saw it. He walked towards it, got inside and bought some strawberries -his favorite- and then went outside again. As he started walking home, he noticed someone following him. He knew something was up, he started running and turned left towards an alley. The mysterious man followed him and as Monke was running, the man pulled out a gun. He fired at Monke four times, and two of the bullets hit Monke. He fell on the ground and so did the fruit he had bought. Monke was bleeding out. The assassin disappeared. The nearby residents who heard the gunshots went to check what’s going on. Monke was taken to a hospital. Miss Anast...

Comrade Monke entered the hospital. He looked around. Only a few people were there. Monke saw a doctor coming out of the room, and he asked him how his friend was. The response he got was not what he had hoped for. Monke tried to enter but was stopped by the doctor and nurse. -You can’t enter, sir. Monke got upset. -Do you have any idea who I am, boy? -No sir. But you can’t enter. Monke then reached for his pocket and grabbed his gun. He aimed it at the doctor: -Let me see my friend, or you’re gonna need to be admitted to this hospital just like him. The doctor was scared now. -Ok, but, only for a few minutes. -Now, was that so hard? Monke hid the gun again and went inside. What he saw made tears rain down his clothes. His friend was in an almost vegetative state. He could speak and see, but he was completely unable to move. And he could not remember much at all. However, when he saw Monke, he immediately remembered him. -Comrade Monke… Monke walked right up to him. -Ilya, my friend. ...

Comrade Monke entered the room. It was full of mannequins and women. They were all so beautiful! Monke made his way down the stairs and found Maria. She was the only other survivor of Ilya Ivanov’s experiment to create a monkey soviet superwarrior. Monke approached her from behind. -Guess who?! Maria turned around and she saw him, dressed in a nice Hawaiian shirt and jeans. -Comrade! They hugged and then walked towards the mirror. -Look at you, so beautiful! Said Monke. Then they entered the building: A bunch of men dressed in black suits and black sunglasses. They were armed with shotguns and uzis. The men walked downstairs and found them. She screamed in fear. -Who are you? Asked Monke. -Them that you’re gonna have to pay, if you don’t want your girlfriend’s face to look like she got into a fight with the local butcher! Monke was about to reach for his gun, a Nagant M1895 revolver, when one of them fired a shot towards the ceiling. Maria then started crying. -Where’s our money lady?...

“I have many names. My name is Gwynplaine, or Long John Silver, or Oscar Jones, or Van Helsing, but you can call me, Comrade Monke…” And it was with those words he revealed his identity to his prisoner. -”What do you want from me?” -”To keep your mouth shut about what you’ve seen here. And if you don’t, well, you know what happens to the enemies of SMERSH!” -”I promise you, I won’t speak to anyone, now please, let me go” -”Comrade Monke always keeps his promises. LET JOHN GO!” The guards slowly approached and started untying him. When he was free, however, he took out a knife and sliced the throats of the two guards open. Then he tried to look for Monke, but Monke was… gone. However, he then saw a strange man standing in the corner. -”Hello? Who are you?” -”Relax! My name’s Constantine!” -”What are you doing here?” -”I am also a prisoner of Monke, and I finally managed to get out of my cell.” -”Well, let’s get going then!” They started running and made their way over at the armory. Jo...

He had just arrived, and the car disappeared into the darkness behind him. Now he was all alone in front of that dark, seemingly empty and abandoned palace. He took out his flashlight, preparing to explore it. However, when he approached it, he stumbled on a stone in the ground and fell over. His flashlight broke! Now he was alone, in the dark and without any light! He got up and went closer. He stood in front of the large door, becoming increasingly much more scared than he was when he was in the car. He knocked on it, and the door opened, but seemingly by no one. He walked forward. The building was almost like it was abandoned. Now he was extremely scared. Thankfully, he found another flashlight on a table nearby. He picked it up and turned it on - or at least tried to, for it wouldn't turn on. He hit it and then tried again to turn it on. This time a very weak light appeared. It wasn’t much, but better than nothing. He aimed it at the stairs, made sure nothing dangerous was the...

He entered the Transylvanian castle. Romania was now under communism, and he was convinced the horrors of it were just a bourgeois invention. But when he saw a terrifying shadow of a disgusting figure on the wall, he was convinced it wasn’t a mere legend. He tried to run away but he didn’t manage it, he was grabbed and pulled into the shadows, ending his life. This was the third victim who entered the castle and didn’t return. Not only the communist authorities, but also the Vatican was becoming increasingly concerned about the horrors of this castle. Could he be back? After all this time? Comrade Monke, the famous anthropomorphic primate and Soviet agent, was sleeping peacefully in his dacha when a phone call woke him up. It was the “Chief” of the Soviet Secret Service. Monke was ordered to be there in 2 hours. Monke got up, prayed a rosary as he was a devout catholic, despite being in a majority Orthodox country, got dressed, fed his pet bird and left. He went outside and entered hi...

He woke up from his unconsciousness and found himself tied up. Then he saw a door open and a man in a fedora hat and a black suit entered the room. A laser, located on the ceiling, was then activated and started slowly moving. He was doomed to be cut in half, and the man in the black hat was just watching from a distance as if he was enjoying it. -”Do you expect me to talk?” said Comrade Monke. -”No mister Monke. I expect you to die!” said the man in the hat. Comrade Monke was so scared he passed out from the shock. When he was unconscious, he remembered his past missions… how he had been sent by the USSR on so many adventures. He had killed Francisco Scaramonke, he had retrieved Warheads from a rival entity, he had stopped the killings of soviet spies in America, he had killed Tony Camonte and so much more. Was that his end? Sliced in half by a laser? When he woke up, he was ok… He was in a bed however he soon realized he was tied up. He lifted his hands and tried to break t...

He escaped the guards and ended up in a train heading for Greece. This was the second time he was escaping them today. When the train arrived at the station, he got off the train and entered a taxi. -”Where shall I take you?” asked the cab driver in his heavy, Greek accent. -”To a hotel please. As far away from here as possible!” And the cab driver took him to a hotel in Kineta. Beautiful place with beautiful beaches and even more beautiful women. He paid the taxi driver and entered the hotel. The hotel had a bar in it as well, and the man went there and ordered a drink. As he was observing the place, he saw a blonde woman sitting a couple of stools away. He told the bartender that the woman’s drinks were on him. However, when he was about to approach the woman to talk to her, the bartender knocked him out unconscious. The woman smiled. -”Good job, Michael! Now we really got him!” The man woke up a couple of hours later with a terrible headache. “Where am I?” He thought. “You’re in my...

It was a dark, rainy night. With his intimidating dark costume, black tie and black fedora, he put the silencer onto the pistol while hiding behind a very large crate. He peeked and saw that the guards were still there. He had no choice but to neutralize them. He got up, aimed his gun and he didn’t miss, both had fallen dead with only a difference of 1 second between their deaths. He moved to the second floor and saw two more guards. He distracted them by throwing a coin and moved past them. He moved on to the third floor. Floor after floor, step after step, he eventually made it to the control room. He wasted no time, he placed the explosives and set the timer to 5 minutes. He ran out of there as fast as he could while avoiding the guards. However, he saw something on a desk: A weird, red file. He took it. Once he got out and far enough, he looked at the building, which exploded and caught on fire. After the mission had been accomplished. He flew by plane back to London. The next day...

I have recently been asked to write about my experiences at that accursed island. And so, though writing this memoir, I travel back to a simpler time, when I was running “The Tavern” back in the United States of America along with my dear Olive. What beautiful memories that nobody and nothing, not even what followed, could take them away. I still remember how we built it: My father and mother, approximately two years before they died, had finally gathered enough funds to open their own business. But they hadn’t decided yet what it should be. Initially we thought of opening a small Inn, but we decided on a tavern instead. It was me that suggested the name, and thus we simply called it “The Tavern.” The reasoning behind that simplistic title was personal to me: When I was a kid, my parents often took me to a business with that same name. I knew its owner, who loved me like I was a child of his own. But maybe I went off-track here. Back to the main events: It was a stormy night and we ba...

Suddenly, he woke up from his sleep. The skull had been taken, and he needed to take it back. He got up and awoke the other evil spirits of his crew as well. Blackbeard was ready for his revenge. Comrade Monke was sleeping. He suddenly was woken up by a phone call. It was the “Chief”. He had been notified of an explosion in Stalingrad. Monke was told to go investigate the explosion. He got up, fed his pet domestic canary, prayed a rosary, got dressed and quickly got in his car. He drove all the way to Stalingrad. When he arrived, there was chaos all over the area. He got out of his car. And walked to a burning building. When observing it, he suddenly saw a flash inside the building, and a skeleton walking through the flames. Monke freaked out. He quickly got back in his car and drove away. He arrived at the Kremlin, where the office of the Soviet Secret Service was. He entered the office, was welcomed by Miss Anastasia and burst into the “Chief’s” office. He quickly explained to him w...