PD Fun Fiction

“I have many names. My name is Gwynplaine, or Long John Silver, or Oscar Jones, or Van Helsing, but you can call me, Comrade Monke…” And it was with those words he revealed his identity to his prisoner. -”What do you want from me?” -”To keep your mouth shut about what you’ve seen here. And if you don’t, well, you know what happens to the enemies of SMERSH!” -”I promise you, I won’t speak to anyone, now please, let me go” -”Comrade Monke always keeps his promises. LET JOHN GO!” The guards slowly approached and started untying him. When he was free, however, he took out a knife and sliced the throats of the two guards open. Then he tried to look for Monke, but Monke was… gone. However, he then saw a strange man standing in the corner. -”Hello? Who are you?” -”Relax! My name’s Constantine!” -”What are you doing here?” -”I am also a prisoner of Monke, and I finally managed to get out of my cell.” -”Well, let’s get going then!” They started running and made their way over at the armory. Jo...

He had just arrived, and the car disappeared into the darkness behind him. Now he was all alone in front of that dark, seemingly empty and abandoned palace. He took out his flashlight, preparing to explore it. However, when he approached it, he stumbled on a stone in the ground and fell over. His flashlight broke! Now he was alone, in the dark and without any light! He got up and went closer. He stood in front of the large door, becoming increasingly much more scared than he was when he was in the car. He knocked on it, and the door opened, but seemingly by no one. He walked forward. The building was almost like it was abandoned. Now he was extremely scared. Thankfully, he found another flashlight on a table nearby. He picked it up and turned it on - or at least tried to, for it wouldn't turn on. He hit it and then tried again to turn it on. This time a very weak light appeared. It wasn’t much, but better than nothing. He aimed it at the stairs, made sure nothing dangerous was the...

He entered the Transylvanian castle. Romania was now under communism, and he was convinced the horrors of it were just a bourgeois invention. But when he saw a terrifying shadow of a disgusting figure on the wall, he was convinced it wasn’t a mere legend. He tried to run away but he didn’t manage it, he was grabbed and pulled into the shadows, ending his life. This was the third victim who entered the castle and didn’t return. Not only the communist authorities, but also the Vatican was becoming increasingly concerned about the horrors of this castle. Could he be back? After all this time? Comrade Monke, the famous anthropomorphic primate and Soviet agent, was sleeping peacefully in his dacha when a phone call woke him up. It was the “Chief” of the Soviet Secret Service. Monke was ordered to be there in 2 hours. Monke got up, prayed a rosary as he was a devout catholic, despite being in a majority Orthodox country, got dressed, fed his pet bird and left. He went outside and entered hi...

He woke up from his unconsciousness and found himself tied up. Then he saw a door open and a man in a fedora hat and a black suit entered the room. A laser, located on the ceiling, was then activated and started slowly moving. He was doomed to be cut in half, and the man in the black hat was just watching from a distance as if he was enjoying it. -”Do you expect me to talk?” said Comrade Monke. -”No mister Monke. I expect you to die!” said the man in the hat. Comrade Monke was so scared he passed out from the shock. When he was unconscious, he remembered his past missions… how he had been sent by the USSR on so many adventures. He had killed Francisco Scaramonke, he had retrieved Warheads from a rival entity, he had stopped the killings of soviet spies in America, he had killed Tony Camonte and so much more. Was that his end? Sliced in half by a laser? When he woke up, he was ok… He was in a bed however he soon realized he was tied up. He lifted his hands and tried to break t...

He escaped the guards and ended up in a train heading for Greece. This was the second time he was escaping them today. When the train arrived at the station, he got off the train and entered a taxi. -”Where shall I take you?” asked the cab driver in his heavy, Greek accent. -”To a hotel please. As far away from here as possible!” And the cab driver took him to a hotel in Kineta. Beautiful place with beautiful beaches and even more beautiful women. He paid the taxi driver and entered the hotel. The hotel had a bar in it as well, and the man went there and ordered a drink. As he was observing the place, he saw a blonde woman sitting a couple of stools away. He told the bartender that the woman’s drinks were on him. However, when he was about to approach the woman to talk to her, the bartender knocked him out unconscious. The woman smiled. -”Good job, Michael! Now we really got him!” The man woke up a couple of hours later with a terrible headache. “Where am I?” He thought. “You’re in my...

It was a dark, rainy night. With his intimidating dark costume, black tie and black fedora, he put the silencer onto the pistol while hiding behind a very large crate. He peeked and saw that the guards were still there. He had no choice but to neutralize them. He got up, aimed his gun and he didn’t miss, both had fallen dead with only a difference of 1 second between their deaths. He moved to the second floor and saw two more guards. He distracted them by throwing a coin and moved past them. He moved on to the third floor. Floor after floor, step after step, he eventually made it to the control room. He wasted no time, he placed the explosives and set the timer to 5 minutes. He ran out of there as fast as he could while avoiding the guards. However, he saw something on a desk: A weird, red file. He took it. Once he got out and far enough, he looked at the building, which exploded and caught on fire. After the mission had been accomplished. He flew by plane back to London. The next day...

I have recently been asked to write about my experiences at that accursed island. And so, though writing this memoir, I travel back to a simpler time, when I was running “The Tavern” back in the United States of America along with my dear Olive. What beautiful memories that nobody and nothing, not even what followed, could take them away. I still remember how we built it: My father and mother, approximately two years before they died, had finally gathered enough funds to open their own business. But they hadn’t decided yet what it should be. Initially we thought of opening a small Inn, but we decided on a tavern instead. It was me that suggested the name, and thus we simply called it “The Tavern.” The reasoning behind that simplistic title was personal to me: When I was a kid, my parents often took me to a business with that same name. I knew its owner, who loved me like I was a child of his own. But maybe I went off-track here. Back to the main events: It was a stormy night and we ba...

Suddenly, he woke up from his sleep. The skull had been taken, and he needed to take it back. He got up and awoke the other evil spirits of his crew as well. Blackbeard was ready for his revenge. Comrade Monke was sleeping. He suddenly was woken up by a phone call. It was the “Chief”. He had been notified of an explosion in Stalingrad. Monke was told to go investigate the explosion. He got up, fed his pet domestic canary, prayed a rosary, got dressed and quickly got in his car. He drove all the way to Stalingrad. When he arrived, there was chaos all over the area. He got out of his car. And walked to a burning building. When observing it, he suddenly saw a flash inside the building, and a skeleton walking through the flames. Monke freaked out. He quickly got back in his car and drove away. He arrived at the Kremlin, where the office of the Soviet Secret Service was. He entered the office, was welcomed by Miss Anastasia and burst into the “Chief’s” office. He quickly explained to him w...

“I am going to die!” he shouted, and before he could complete his sentence, he had fallen to the floor, dead. The others were terrified and were hiding. When he came through the door, one of them passed out, falling to the floor and alerting him of their presence. He lit his long, black beard on fire. He walked slowly to a barrel one of the sailors were hiding in, and he stabbed it to the point blood was coming out of all its sides. -”NO. Please! Don’t kill me.” One of the others shouted. He walked to the spot he was hiding in and he grabbed him by the neck. -”Then tell me where it is…” -”Where is what?” -”THE SKULL! WHERE IS IT?” -”It’s in Port Royal… Inside the Governor’s mansion.” -”LELOS! GET THE OTHERS, WE ARE LEAVING FOR PORT ROYAL.” -”Now keep your end of the bargain.” -”What bargain?” -”Let us go!” -”I made no such bargain, boy!” He then choked the sailor to death. Lelos the canary, a trusted crewmember of Blackbeard, was in front of this. He freaked out, but he had to be obed...

The night spread throughout Port Royal. The tavern was full of scumbags, thieves, murderers and pirates. They were all singing loudly: “15 men on a dead man’s chest! Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum! Drink and the devil had done for the rest! Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum!” Amongst them were some of the most famous buccaneers of the seven seas: Anne Bonney, John Rackham, Black Sam Bellamy and others. But the most notorious of them all was John Silver, better known as “Long” John Silver. A few months ago, he had just escaped from the hands of the Royal Navy and Captain Smollett, along with his female parrot “Captain Flint.” Silver stepped up, walking with his crutch towards one of the other pirates. He said hi, then punched him. -”What the hell, Silver!” -”I know you know where my wife is, and i am going to torture you until you tell me!” -”I don’t know Long John, I promise!” -”Yeah right… Jack, Pepe, pick him up and tie him to that bed upstairs!” After they had obeyed his command and done ...

He lit a cigar and stood in front of the large desk, as if he had all the time in the world. He analyzed it and figured out everything. One wrong move and the world would be blown to bits. He walked up to it, took out his Makarov pistol, and shot the green button. This triggered the alarm and the self-destruction countdown, but the nuke control system had been destroyed and deactivated. Guards entered from left and right. He hid behind the desk and a gun battle followed. He shot a couple of them down, but he ran out of bullets. He hid his gun and saw a window, he ran towards it and jumped out of it, breaking it. He landed deep in the water, but he swam to the surface. The place was falling apart! He swam back down and kept swimming until he saw a sloop yacht. He climbed onto it and the woman on it freaked out. -”You’re… a monkey. A God-damn monkey!” she shouted. -”Delighted to meet you too… The name’s Monke… Comrade Monke.” -”Oh my God… I think I am gonna pass out.” -”Don’t! Not yet, ...

It was a dark, snowy night in the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics. In the dacha, Comrade Monke was praying the rosary. After he finished his prayer to the Blessed Virgin Mary, he kissed his domestic canary, whose name was Lelos, goodnight and went to sleep. He was woken up by a phone call the next morning. It was the “chief:” -”Comrade Monke, get your ass off your bed and come here immediately!” -”Ok ok!” Monke cleaned his domestic canary’s cage, changed its water and put some food for it, and left. He walked all the way to his car and drove to the Kremlin, where the office of the “chief” was located. He entered the building and greeted Miss Anastasia. He entered the office and the “chief” greeted him. -”Welcome, Comrade!” -”What’s the emergency?” -”Listen Monke. Yesterday, we located and caught a traitor, a mole, who was trying to escape.” -”And? Just follow the standard procedure to get him to confess. What do you need me for?” -”He asked to be interrogated specifically by you.”...

Dear Vladimir, you asked me to write a short letter to you, summarizing what I think about my former boss, Comrade Monke, and whether I agree with the western powers that characterize him as a “dictator.” I hope what I wrote will satisfy you: Chernenko is dead! Now, the procedure had been made clear to all citizens of the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics: The Politburo, which had members from all around the Soviet Union, would gather, and a new General Secretary would be elected. And that’s what happened. In 1985, after Konstantin Chernenko died, having only led the party and thus the USSR for 13 months, the politburo gathered. The answer was clear, right? Mikhail Gorbachev was the favorite. However, to the surprise of everyone, the 58 year old former Soviet Secret agent, SMERSH operative, superspy, devout Christian and anthropomorphic monkey Comrade Monke was elected to the position of the General Secretary of the Communist Party of the Soviet Union. Now, he had but one task: Not ...

A mysterious man came through the gate. His name was Ajax. He saw some people approaching so he hid behind a crate until they went away. Before anybody had noticed he had managed to get inside the mansion. It was a weird building, built with gold and decorated with silver. Ajax reached the basement, where he saw the prisoners: A bunch of men who had the faces of octopuses. He freed them. They killed the guards together and in a few minutes had taken over the whole building. -”Why did you free us?” one of them asked. -”So we can take care of him…” -”Him?” -”Aye. Him. The monkey. Comrade Monke…” Comrade Monke was sleeping when he was woken up by a phone call. It was the “Chief.” Probably another mission. He got up, cleaned his male domestic canary’s cage, changed the water, and then got dressed. He picked up his Makarov pistol, entered his car and drove all the way to the office. He arrived, exited the car and walked up the stairs to enter the Kremlin, where the office was located. He t...

He was sitting in his office next to the wall where his domestic canary’s cage was hanging on. He was drinking vodka and singing an old pirate song: “15 men on a dead man’s chest! Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum! Drink and the devil had done for the rest! Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum!” He sang it all day and then fell asleep. He was eventually woken up by a phone call. It was miss Anastasia, secretary of the “chief.” She told him to be in the office in 40 minutes. He quickly changed the water of his canary and got dressed, then drove all the way to the office. He entered and ordered a drink: Vodka. He loved vodka! His name was Comrade Monke and he was the result of an experiment by Ilya Ivanov to create a monkey superwarrior and superspy. He loved smoking, gambling, drinking and lived a larger-than-life lifestyle. Despite his lifestyle and communist ideology, he was also a devout Christian. Codenamed 0P, Monke was the communist bloc’s most feared weapon. In addition to his agelessness, s...

Wow, can’t believe it’s been one year! One year of Comrade Monke stories and a few (utter garbage) video games I made. But still, it’s been a year. This niche little character I introduced a year ago in From the motherland, with love! Has definitely had his ups and downs. We’ll start with the downs, and then end on a high note: The games: I didn’t like them very much. They are awful, monstrous little creations. I had to delist the first two because they were so embarrassingly bad I am convinced they were dangerous. But let’s analyze the ones that are still available: The Monke with the Golden Gun: An FPS episodic adventure where Monke goes on various missions. Honestly, probably the best one. It has many many flaws but it’s still somewhat fun to play through. I stole a texture from Doom in this one. Comrade Monke 3D: The worst one. An awful game with some terrible AI art. I hate it with a deep passion and I wish I had never made it. I stole a wolfenstein 3D sprite. Comrade Monke vs Gen...

He lit yet another cigar. The 6th that day. He was smoking cigar after cigar. He couldn’t stop for some reason. He was remembering his past missions. He had travelled between timelines, between eras using his alien time travel device discovered and given to him by the USSR, and taken on various roles. He had killed Tony Camonte, Francisco Scaramonke, led the Monkey Corps, led SMERSH, led SQUID, and had hunted down the pirate Jack Dragonfruit, as well as MI6 agent Agent Croco. He had devised various fake backstories to hide his true identity, and only he and a few others knew the truth: That he had been created by Ilya Ivanov as part of a program to create a monkey superwarrior. This gave him various abilities, including being ageless and having super strength. His name was Comrade Monke, and he had seen and done everything. He was also a devout Christian. As he was remembering his past missions, the phone rang. Monke, with the cigar still in his mouth and with a bottle of vodka in his...

He had arrived on the island the day before, on a plane that ended up crashing in the ocean. He took out his pistol and started searching for his enemy. The trees were tall and were hiding his view. He didn’t know where he was going, not only because of the trees but because the plane crash caused him to hit his head hard against a piece of metal, causing him to forget everything, including his mission. He eventually arrived at a cave. He entered it and he fell unconscious. It was there he started remembering what his mission was. A week ago, he had been tasked by the Soviets with tracking him down and assassinating him. His target had previously assassinated a bunch of other soviet secret agents and it was up to Monke to stop him. He woke up, and he was surrounded by dummies. Dummies used for target practice. Then, a voice was heard: -”Comrade Monke!” -”Who are you?” -”You know who i am…” Then a door opened and Monke rushed to it. He came out of the weird room and saw a table with pl...